You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When...

You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When...

You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin. You plan to name your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night. You think sleep is for the weak. You've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so "the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend" You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable. You know from experience caffeine tablets don't dissolve in cola. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT. You can name five flavors of JOLT. You have a mini-fridge under your desk... and a catheter. You drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. You have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands "JOLT" and "COLA" Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen. You've ever an airplane's call button just to get a coffee refill. You've knelt and prayed before a Starbuck's logo. Your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme. You have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups. You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze. You believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep. You'd rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee. You dip espresso beans. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to caffeine.

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